[Blank]

So I don't normally post little life updates. Sometimes, I will stick them into a beginning of a post to help ease into speaking ( or rather in this case typing), but normally they are never their own entity. I will admit, I edit myself sometimes. A little perfectionist in me pulls me away from writing posts like these for fear of not being able to express what I want properly or getting too rambly in the process of sharing what is on my mind. 

So, this might be a bit rambly. ( Just a warning). I am trying to push away perfectionistic Allegra and let myself type freely.

    Recently, I have been feeling very strange. Not quite myself for the past couple of weeks. I have been describing this feeling as "blank minded". Its a little difficult to describe. 
I am someone who thinks a lot about her life, dreams, ambitions, etc. All of a sudden all of that thinking seems to have stopped. When someone I have not seen in a while asks " What am I doing these days, what's going on?" I seem to come at a blank. 
"My life is pretty boring" I respond.  And I don't have much to say after that. I feel like I have nothing interesting to say. 

When doing tasks at work I like to think about things, I am a full fledged daydreamer. However, now I cant make any pleasant thoughts come. Nothing to look forward to. No projects, no goals to work towards. That can sound like depression to some. Which I suffer with, but it doesn't feel the exact same as when I am battling with a bout of depression. I don't feel a lack of motivation to do things I love out of exhaustion or lack of will. I just don't know what to be motivated towards. No ideas, nothing. I guess there is nothing inspiring me or stimulating my mind. 

For someone who also deals with a lot of anxiety. A lack of thoughts can be quite peaceful. Not all thoughts are good ones and can really haunt a person. Having a lack of that could be considered a step in the right direction. However, it doesn't feel right. Because I do not feel positive thoughts/feelings either and I want to. I want to contribute to conversation, have exciting projects or ideas swarming in my head, have interesting activity in my life and in my brain. 
But it feels like there is nothing. I stare off into space trying to think and come up with nothing. 

I am in a very transitory place in my life right now. I feel burnt out by college. I have no direction anymore, no dreams to run down the path towards and college has done nothing to place me in a direction I like. I feel stuck, and the academics have exhausted me to the point of indifference. I intend to take a break this semester. I have been wanting this for a while due to these feelings. I want to take the time to figure myself out again. What is my dream? where do I want to go next? What do I want to try?
I feel very lost when it comes to questions like these. All I hear is preach about the importance of college. How it will help you figure out these questions and how much more troublesome life is without a degree. I know its important which is why I have tried so hard to keep at it, keep going. Its frustrating though, to watch your other friends have a path they want to go down and plans. College is important to them because they have a passion that school helps them with. I thought I had that when I started but all college has done for me is make me feel more displaced and frustrated with myself. Especially since I struggle academically with a learning disability. I am always behind and everything takes twice as long to complete. When I think about going to more classes all I feel is dread and exhaustion. That doesn't mean I hate learning. I love to learn. My brain is driven to learn new things, be stimulated. But with no direction I am running through hoops of academic fire just because. It feels pointless. Sometimes my life feels like :

" Just get through this flaming hoop and then you will feel happy...and then just get through this flaming hoop and then you can live life the way you want etc.." 

But that sense of accomplishment never really comes. I finish a semester, get okay or good grades. But I never feel any more complete or excited to move on..

This is usually the part where I have come up with resolutions or plans to attempt solve this issue. Seem more positive in the conclusion. But I am at a blank..


All I hope is that you all are doing well. I hope you don't mind a post like this instead of something more organized and polished. 

If you have any thoughts that you want to share, please feel free to share them in the comments below. I would feel grateful to read them. Thank you 

- A